Guilt and Frustration which leads to....yo yo dieting!

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Comment by Tanya on October 13, 2008 at 7:51am

You so need to be here. We can all relate to what you are saying. I have been struggling for a whole year to lose weight and have found that just writing out my feelings like you did above makes me feel better. You can't always offer support to others. Sometimes you need to lean on us for support. We will then reach out to you another time and you might find you can provide that support. You cannot have expectations on yourself that you are going to be perfect and supportive all the time. It just doesn't work. You need to ease up on your expectations of yourself. You can't be everything to everyone all the time. I am sure you are highly competent and a wonderful mother but at what cost to you? I agree that the Manic Depressive Disorder is not a side note. I totally respect you for not making your illness the focus of your life. This is a serious disorder and so many people just lay down and let it take over. You have three children, work full time and now want to lead a healthier lifestyle. All these things are an incredible accomplishments. See those accomplishments as Non-Scale Victories. Pat yourself on the back for all that you have accomplished and then as others have said, post some short term goals on your page. Put them in writing to see each time you hit your home page. If you look at my page I commited to engaging in play more with my kids. It's simple enough but having it in writing made it sink in a bit more. Set out some small daily goals and you will start to feel better. As you start to feel better, you will then feel the strength and the confidence to make some longer term goals...you will get there. Keep reading what people have to say here and don't feel like you are letting any of us down. The fact that you posted this very deep and real post made me feel very proud of you and I have the utmost of respect for you...and that is from a perfect stranger. You should be so proud of yourself. Have a great day and remember one step at a time...put it in writing and repeat your goals to yourself several times per day...not negative talk! Hugs, Tanya

Comment by Cindy on October 10, 2008 at 9:06pm

I can relate to so much in your post! Especially the bit about feeling guilty--I have major problems with guilt related to other people's (perceived) expectations too. You have nothing to feel guilty about. And you said you didn't have what it takes to pursue weight loss, you do!!! You can do this. We can all do it together. I hope you don't feel too guilty about not keeping up with my blog or other blogs. I think you are on the right track to use this as a tool to help yourself, not others. Ultimately, I read other blogs because it helps me stay on track, it inspires me, helps me learn new tips, and along the way I get to interact with very special people. If you want to come here and spill your thoughts and work through your issues, that is FANTASTIC. And if that is all you do, we support you 100%, because this is all about your journey.

Best of luck to you, and I think talking this all through the the first step to success!

Comment by Aim on October 10, 2008 at 2:54pm

Oh my goodness Kellie I think that just by writing this post means that you aren't ready to give up yet. I agree with the others in that the manic depression is not at all a side note. It is an important factor in your overall health. Mental and physical health are not separate entities in my opinion. Are you getting help in dealing with the manic depression? That alone is a lot to deal with. You are so brave to confront it.

Did you have a chance to read the article that Roni mentioned in her Thursday Thoughts post? It was written by Marlena Spieler. It talks about making small changes that eventually add up to great weight losses. It might be helpful. Keep writing and reaching out to others for support. Take care of your mental health just like you would your physical health. You can lose weight and become an all around healthier person. Don't give up. You have lots of support out here.

Comment by Jenny on October 10, 2008 at 1:55pm

I completely agree with all of the other commenters and my heart goes out to you! I think we have all been there at one time or another on this weight loss journey. And it is definitely a journey. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes you'll take some backward steps or you might stumble or even fall but you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again. This community offers some great support and I think you have taken the first step by reaching out to others. You CAN do it!

Comment by Tricia on October 10, 2008 at 12:58pm

We have all been there before. I am reading the others comments, and find myself shaking my head. I also don't think manic depression is a side note. Of course, that will impact your health, weight loss, motivation, etc... You didn't mention meds, but those also can impact weight. You have a lot on your plate right now, but I agree with everyone on "one day at a time" and "baby steps." You can do this, and we are all here to support you.

Comment by Becca on October 10, 2008 at 12:54pm

Oh I so know where you are coming from, except you say that you have proven you're able to lose the weight. I've yet to stick around with any plan long enough to really do that. I wish I could offer you more than just hugs and some positive thoughts, but I really just don't have any. Stick with it... eventually it WILL work.

Comment by Azad on October 10, 2008 at 12:32pm

First Kellie I think some hugs are in order - I am so sorry you are feeling this way (((((((Kellie)))))))

The bad news is that where you are (mentally) right now sucks. It sucks really bad. But the good news is that we have ALL been there before and we all know what you are going through. What's even better is that some of us have been able to break through this stage in our lives and finally CHANGE. I don't know what I can say to you to help you get through this. I wish I had some sort of magic trick to get yourself out of this rut but I don't.

The fact of the matter is you're not happy. I wasn't happy either when I was in your shoes. If there is anything that I've learned in this time is that eating all the crap I used to eat day in and day out didn't make me feel good - in fact it made me feel worse. Stop sabotaging yourself!! You are the only one in control of your own fate so you need to give yourself the chance to DO this. It's NOT easier to be overweight and it never will be. Eating whatever we want does not ultimately make us happy. That is a lie we tell ourselves to feel better about slipping back into toxic behaviors.

Once you get out of this rut and get started you will feel so much better about yourself that I hope you will keep going. We are here to support you so don't feel bad about having to support others. You may be down but you're not out. You can do this!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Allison K on October 10, 2008 at 11:53am

Hi Kellie! I'm completely new to Blog to Lose and it's my first time commenting - I don't know if there is specific etiquette I should follow, but I read your post and couldn't help but relate. I hope I don't say anything that puts me in the dog house!

I am a regular Roni's Weigh reader, and I definitely agree with her "one day at a time" philosophy. It's much less intimidating (for me, at least) to just deal with one meal, one day - rather than psyche myself out about the whole week, my goals, etc. As Cesar Milan would say "we do not have access to the past, but we do have access to the present." It's taken me years to wrap my head around that idea, and only recently have I practiced that ideology on the weight loss front.

This is where I hope I am not out of line. I don't think manic depression is a "side note." I strongly believe that mental disorders/physical conditions play a huge role in how we are, and what we do day to day. I have two examples. My ex has Bipolar 2, is very intelligent, and believes he can outwit his mental disorder without help from anything or anyone. Often, his mental illness outwits him on the diet front as well as almost every other aspect of his life. And then there is me! I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which throws my hormones off their axis (among a myriad of other symptoms) and generally makes weight loss very slow going and challenging. For some reason, I refuse to take any steps medically to level my symptoms out - which would likely make my weight loss journey "easier." I know just by losing weight, I can improve my condition on my own - and that is the challenge I've presented myself. Is it the best move? I don't know.

My point with all that rambling was - regardless of whether or not we have our other external or internal issues under control - they are still always there impacting us in some way - and that according our own personal contexts, we often have to own up and work just that much harder to overcome and achieve what we really want. I am still working on this - so you are not alone!!

Keep pushing, keep telling yourself you DESERVE these healthy choices, keep taking it one step at a time.

You are in my thoughts!

Comment by kristin on October 10, 2008 at 10:06am

Kellie...thanks for being so honest about where you are on your journey. It is a journey...one that will last our lifetimes. Wether it is a journey to be healthier or to lose weight or to wrestle control of the bad thoughts...we don't become masters of it overnight...or sometimes after a year. I decided I would begin the journey to be a healthier me on my 30th birthday...and now I am 32 and back at the same place that I have stared after having just lost the extra weight I gained as a result of some yo-yoing since then. I hope this doesn't seem like I am making this about me....I just want you to know that you are not alone in feeling the struggle. It it were easy...then there would be a lot of Barbie looking folks walking around in the world....and looking around the room here that's not what I see. In my experience, you can't do anything about things until they are brought into the light and with this post you have brought your feelings and your struggle out of the dark and into the light. In doing that you have inspired me to be more real with others about my journey.

Comment by Angie on October 10, 2008 at 9:39am

Oh Kellie. I can also completely relate to this post! That nasty feeling of failure can suck the life out of us, can't it?

Losing weight is a rollercoaster. Some days are good, some days are not as good. Sometimes you come here for support, sometimes you come here to give support. It's all over the place, but that's why it's a journey. One suggestion I have is maybe writing out that list of what you want and elaborating on it. Physically write it out down (on that archaic thing we call pen and paper!) so you have it to look at. Then, right down practical way to achieve those things. After that, pick ONE to work on this week. Once you think you've got that down pat, try another one. There is so much to consider all at once, it's easier to break it up.

I'm thinking about you today, Kellie, and I hope it's going better than yesterday :)

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