Do you battle against that inner voice?

I’ve slept on it, the weigh-in, and really I am a bit confused today – not less determined, but confused. Something about a two pound loss rattled my inner psyche, but what? Consider what I ate last night, what was that again...? A large coffee, small chicken club, and walnut crunch donut from Tim Horton’s, peanut butter and jam sandwich for a snack later on, and a couple hours before it was a grilled cheese sandwich that accidentally had too much butter on it. Seems I was on a carb craze. At least all the breads were whole wheat, but what does that matter when into the mix I added that chocolate, walnut donut with a crusty white glaze?

It was after that P&B sandwich that I realized there was an anxiety within me, and when I thought more about it, the weigh-in is where it started. I’m thankful to have lost two pounds, yet I’m also disappointed because it was only two pounds. After I stepped off the scale I felt it, that cringe of disappointment, balking against my craving for the positive side in the situation, and I realized last night I was deliberately suppressing the disappointment and an inner voice that was snarling, “Only two pounds? Are you kidding me? Is that the best you can do?” I wouldn’t give it the time of day.

I knew those feelings and thoughts, but I also know the damage they can do, so I was holding the door closed against them. Nothing is going to destroy my determination to see this through.

Holding that door closed might not be such a great idea. After all, it turns out I was the one locked inside a room, not the negativity, and that inner demon found the refrigerator! At least I stopped it before too much damage could be done. There have been nights where the munch craze went way too far. In fact, prior to yesterday, that inner anxiety would consume a days worth of calories before the incessant need to eat ‘something’ subsided.

So the question is, why was there such an inner reaction to the scale? I may not know the answer, but this experience made me realize I can’t ignore that inner voice anymore, but I do have to control it. I’ll know better next time. Instead of trying to suppress the anxiety and voice, I’ll let them do their thing on my terms. Venting comes best through writing, but sometimes drawing in my sketchbook can have such a calming and relaxing affect. One or the other will definitely take care of this.

The true step up this time was me not letting that feeling take hold and suck the drive and motivation right out of me. That’s happened plenty in the past. This morning I was up early again, although I truly contemplated staying in bed until the last possible second before I had to in order to be to work on time. “No, get up now.” I told myself. It was already at least ten minutes later than I should have been up, but I dragged my sorry butt from the comfort zone and did Walk Away the Pounds 2-mile Abs. Only twice did I need to sit for a slight moment, no more than 30 seconds, and I got through it! I was impressed with myself.

Afterwards, on the way to the car, I found a plate glass window beneath the snow and attempted a funky version of the splits. Not doing that again! The result was a new twist on a knee already healing from a horrendous fall a couple months ago. Not long after arriving at work this morning a familiar tight, stiff feeling in the knee, but that will not stop me either.

I will win this battle without surgery. Speaking of surgery, do you watch The Doctors? Yesterday they had a gal on there who used to be about twenty pounds more than me, about 360 pounds, and she had a full body lift. She lost the weight, and has done well keeping it off, plus she’s now involved in marathons. Due to her prior size and all the weight gone, she had hanging skin all over. Five specialists worked together to perform a full body lift on her. That sure sounds like quite the process. It was a 7.5 hours surgery, and it will still be a few months more before she is completely healed. Before the surgery she was size 18. At the recording of yesterday’s show, three weeks later, she was size 12. The doctor stated after all fluids have drained and the swelling goes down she should be down to size 8. Also, when they did the surgery, they removed 15 pounds of skin and waste from her body. Wow, and the doctor said the surgery she had would have cost $50,000, but cost can vary depending on what all is done.

At this point I don’t want to think about the ‘after’ of me losing all the weight, but sagging skin will likely be a problem for me too.

Now, what do you do about your inner voice?