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In a VERY strange Funk
Okay so where do I begin....
Well I feel almost numb to the world right now. I want to lose weight and I did REALLY well until last night when we had people over for dinner and I didnt eat as well as I should have. Nothing major but I didnt need two piece of bread at dinner, and I didnt need that small brownie thing after. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I started the day off great again today and when I got home for work I was starving to the point I was almost jittery. And decided to have some hash brown casserole followed by TWO pieces of pizza. Seriously two is nothing compared to the old me but those TWO pieces made me feel sooo guilty. Why does food make us feel guilty, its suppose to make us feel satisfied and happy. That darn food is like an emotional drug some days.
Well then I started packing my stuff up to go back to school (which im looking very forward to), and doing laundry and all that. Next thing I know im thinking about me and my life and I just start getting all emotional and crying. I DONT GET ME. I am pissed at myself for eating what I did. I hate that I try hard and then fail over two stupid meals. Okay not fail but it SUCKS to think I ate all those points that wasnt needed.
Today was my last day at work and it seemed tonight when I left like I was just going home for another night and would be back tomorrow. I dont know that bugs me for some reason. I just feel like I didnt get to say good bye to everyone and at the same time I want to say whatever and walk away.
Then I get talking to my boyfriend about after college and that makes me just want to crawl in a hole because I have NO idea what I want to do after college. Grad school is what I should do, but what should I go to grad school for? Gosh I wish I was back in college as a freshman and not needing to figure all this stuff out now.
I guess I am hitting the real world sooner than I want to. And then trying to tackle getting rid of more weight and gain self confidence seems to impossible. It all just makes me want to hide from it for a while, but that wont make it better.
Sorry to burden you with this, but I just needed to get it out. I have been thinking though.....
Last year, New Years Day 2008 I had a TERRIBLE DAY. I just sat on the couch and cried and didnt want to do anything (sorta like today). And that was the day before I got super serious about losing weight. And I wonder if this is happening to me again. I sorta have to hit a low to get serious...I hope not, but perhaps....hmm
Okay enough of my being negative. Gotta go get my laundry out of the dryer and get it folded and packed up. I didnt realize how much CRAP I brought home.
Oh one last thing. I went to Aldi's on Wednesday before my CPR class and bought TONS of their Fit and Active products. I just couldn’t help but stock up on that sort of stuff to have around, because its cheap and low in points. Crazy! So that was fun. But I was in the store with my mom and I kept saying "But Roni buys this or that, I wonder if they have it at this Aldi's" So I am sure Roni's ears were ringing!
Good night all!
Well I feel almost numb to the world right now. I want to lose weight and I did REALLY well until last night when we had people over for dinner and I didnt eat as well as I should have. Nothing major but I didnt need two piece of bread at dinner, and I didnt need that small brownie thing after. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I started the day off great again today and when I got home for work I was starving to the point I was almost jittery. And decided to have some hash brown casserole followed by TWO pieces of pizza. Seriously two is nothing compared to the old me but those TWO pieces made me feel sooo guilty. Why does food make us feel guilty, its suppose to make us feel satisfied and happy. That darn food is like an emotional drug some days.
Well then I started packing my stuff up to go back to school (which im looking very forward to), and doing laundry and all that. Next thing I know im thinking about me and my life and I just start getting all emotional and crying. I DONT GET ME. I am pissed at myself for eating what I did. I hate that I try hard and then fail over two stupid meals. Okay not fail but it SUCKS to think I ate all those points that wasnt needed.
Today was my last day at work and it seemed tonight when I left like I was just going home for another night and would be back tomorrow. I dont know that bugs me for some reason. I just feel like I didnt get to say good bye to everyone and at the same time I want to say whatever and walk away.
Then I get talking to my boyfriend about after college and that makes me just want to crawl in a hole because I have NO idea what I want to do after college. Grad school is what I should do, but what should I go to grad school for? Gosh I wish I was back in college as a freshman and not needing to figure all this stuff out now.
I guess I am hitting the real world sooner than I want to. And then trying to tackle getting rid of more weight and gain self confidence seems to impossible. It all just makes me want to hide from it for a while, but that wont make it better.
Sorry to burden you with this, but I just needed to get it out. I have been thinking though.....
Last year, New Years Day 2008 I had a TERRIBLE DAY. I just sat on the couch and cried and didnt want to do anything (sorta like today). And that was the day before I got super serious about losing weight. And I wonder if this is happening to me again. I sorta have to hit a low to get serious...I hope not, but perhaps....hmm
Okay enough of my being negative. Gotta go get my laundry out of the dryer and get it folded and packed up. I didnt realize how much CRAP I brought home.
Oh one last thing. I went to Aldi's on Wednesday before my CPR class and bought TONS of their Fit and Active products. I just couldn’t help but stock up on that sort of stuff to have around, because its cheap and low in points. Crazy! So that was fun. But I was in the store with my mom and I kept saying "But Roni buys this or that, I wonder if they have it at this Aldi's" So I am sure Roni's ears were ringing!
Good night all!
3 Comments
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Comment by Jill on January 9, 2009 at 11:43pm - I can understand how life must feel overwhelming for you right now. Graduating and leaving the safety net of 'student' terrifies me!! I deal with it by just taking life one day at a time. Im not saying don't plan ahead, I am just saying don't let the future freak you out... as cheesy as it sounds 'whatever is meant to happen will happen'
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Comment by Rachel on January 10, 2009 at 6:53am - Awww Michele, I'm so sorry you were beating yourself up over what you ate- you shouldn't! You didn't do that bad at ALL, and even if you did, beating yourself up is never going to help you feel positive and motivated about the future, it's only going to want to make you eat more. I know it is all too easy to be mad at ourselves about what we eat, so I don't exactly practice what I preach, but it makes me sad to be down on yourself about FOOD. What we are worth as people has nothing to do with what we eat, how much we weigh, or how we look. When are we all going to realize that??? Anyways, I hope you wake up today feeling 100% back to yourself. I had a couple of days like this a couple weeks and and it just went away after a couple days. Just remember feeling like this is NOT permanent, it's probably a hormonal thing! Once you get back to school I'm sure things will even back out. Hang in there!
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Comment by Cindy on January 18, 2009 at 1:52pm - Hey! I totally recommend NOT going to grad school right away, especially if you are not sure what you want to do. I took 2 years between college and grad school, and I was much more focused, a better student, etc when I went back. Plus, I had more real world experience to bring to the classes (the classes are so different in grad school than undergrad). Plus, you don't want to spend money on a degree that you aren't 100% sure about, ya know?? That's my two cents. Hope you are feeling better! We all have those days.
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