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Long, Inner Thoughts
I apologize in advance if there is no logical rhyme or reason to my writings here.
WW Meeting: Spur of the moment, I decided to join WW last night. I knew that the time was coming, but I was planning on finishing my doctor VLCD and slowly easing back to eating normal foods before going. But I just said "heck with it!" and went to the meeting. It was a night meeting, which I know I will never actually attend on a regular basis. I did like the leader though :) I weighed in at 167.8 lbs, which was only 1.8 lbs higher than when I quit in June 2008. Too bad that in the mean time I gained 25 lbs and then lost it. If only I had stayed steady, I would have proven to myself that I can do maintenance. This is my 4th time joining WW...yes, fourth. I always remind myself that I've read studies that show that when smokers try to quit, it often takes them 10 tries. Each try is not a failure, but part of the learning curve. I feel, deep in my soul, that this will be the last time. This is the first time I have felt that way....
Which leads me to my new attitude about food. Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint! I still want to kill for cheesecake sometimes and if I didn't have the voice of reason (my husband) near me, there would have definitely been some binge moments recently. But, overall, I feel better. I'm sick of gaining and losing the same 25 - 35 lbs. It's not worth it. The french fries, the burgers, the desserts - it's not worth it at all. I'm 22 years old and I have stretch marks, saggy boobs, and cellulite. It doesn't bother me, per se, but I want to put an end to it. The next time I get stretch marks and ruin my boobs will be for something that is actually WORTH IT - a child.
I think that I have done better this time because I took a long period of inner reflection. I'm blessed that I am in graduate school, so my schedule since December 18th has been pretty much nothing. I've used the time to work with a doctor on a diet, read lots of books, talk/e-mail extensively with a trainer friend of mine, scour blogs like crazy, and maintain this blog and keep up with this community. I feel like I have so many people to be accountable to, and that helps an awful lot. Everyone important to me knows about my binge eating/weight gain/weight loss journey, so there's always someone to say, "You don't really want to eat that, do you?" That has helped a lot and most of the time, I'm genuinely not craving the foods I used to. I think it has something to do with my blood sugar/insulin levels finally being normal...so I'm not going on a sugar high and crash every 4 hours, which leads to my inner demons coming out! Judith Beck's book has helped an awful lot - I've written about it on my blog and Roni did an excellent review of it a few weeks back.
Now, on the self-help books thing: I used to sit at bookstores for hours on end devouring self-help books. With the exception of Dr. Phil, I pretty much read everything. I thought reading them made me better, more enlightened, more interesting, whatever. I will admit that I learned an awful lot about psychology and myself through my years of reading self-help books. I found a few that have genuinely changed my life (Judith Beck's book, 7 Habits, The Simple Living Manual, The Drama of the Gifted Child)....but, for the most part, I suspended my own life to succumb to whatever the author advocated. Just yesterday, I was at a bookstore with my husband, and I was searching, searching, searching for a self-help book. I couldn't find a single one that looked interesting. Every one I got to, I thought, "I don't need that," and that made me feel good. Perhaps it's age, or life experience, or just having read every book on the shelf, but I feel more in-tune with my self, my body, my mind. I know how to solve my own problems and make my own life interesting - I don't need an author to do that. Crazy as it sounds, that moment in the bookstore was a little bit of a triumph for me. I didn't really have parents, so maybe I used those books are surrogates, but for the first time, I said, "Book-mom and book-dad, I think I can handle life by myself now." God, I'm a lunatic.
That's all, folks!
WW Meeting: Spur of the moment, I decided to join WW last night. I knew that the time was coming, but I was planning on finishing my doctor VLCD and slowly easing back to eating normal foods before going. But I just said "heck with it!" and went to the meeting. It was a night meeting, which I know I will never actually attend on a regular basis. I did like the leader though :) I weighed in at 167.8 lbs, which was only 1.8 lbs higher than when I quit in June 2008. Too bad that in the mean time I gained 25 lbs and then lost it. If only I had stayed steady, I would have proven to myself that I can do maintenance. This is my 4th time joining WW...yes, fourth. I always remind myself that I've read studies that show that when smokers try to quit, it often takes them 10 tries. Each try is not a failure, but part of the learning curve. I feel, deep in my soul, that this will be the last time. This is the first time I have felt that way....
Which leads me to my new attitude about food. Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint! I still want to kill for cheesecake sometimes and if I didn't have the voice of reason (my husband) near me, there would have definitely been some binge moments recently. But, overall, I feel better. I'm sick of gaining and losing the same 25 - 35 lbs. It's not worth it. The french fries, the burgers, the desserts - it's not worth it at all. I'm 22 years old and I have stretch marks, saggy boobs, and cellulite. It doesn't bother me, per se, but I want to put an end to it. The next time I get stretch marks and ruin my boobs will be for something that is actually WORTH IT - a child.
I think that I have done better this time because I took a long period of inner reflection. I'm blessed that I am in graduate school, so my schedule since December 18th has been pretty much nothing. I've used the time to work with a doctor on a diet, read lots of books, talk/e-mail extensively with a trainer friend of mine, scour blogs like crazy, and maintain this blog and keep up with this community. I feel like I have so many people to be accountable to, and that helps an awful lot. Everyone important to me knows about my binge eating/weight gain/weight loss journey, so there's always someone to say, "You don't really want to eat that, do you?" That has helped a lot and most of the time, I'm genuinely not craving the foods I used to. I think it has something to do with my blood sugar/insulin levels finally being normal...so I'm not going on a sugar high and crash every 4 hours, which leads to my inner demons coming out! Judith Beck's book has helped an awful lot - I've written about it on my blog and Roni did an excellent review of it a few weeks back.
Now, on the self-help books thing: I used to sit at bookstores for hours on end devouring self-help books. With the exception of Dr. Phil, I pretty much read everything. I thought reading them made me better, more enlightened, more interesting, whatever. I will admit that I learned an awful lot about psychology and myself through my years of reading self-help books. I found a few that have genuinely changed my life (Judith Beck's book, 7 Habits, The Simple Living Manual, The Drama of the Gifted Child)....but, for the most part, I suspended my own life to succumb to whatever the author advocated. Just yesterday, I was at a bookstore with my husband, and I was searching, searching, searching for a self-help book. I couldn't find a single one that looked interesting. Every one I got to, I thought, "I don't need that," and that made me feel good. Perhaps it's age, or life experience, or just having read every book on the shelf, but I feel more in-tune with my self, my body, my mind. I know how to solve my own problems and make my own life interesting - I don't need an author to do that. Crazy as it sounds, that moment in the bookstore was a little bit of a triumph for me. I didn't really have parents, so maybe I used those books are surrogates, but for the first time, I said, "Book-mom and book-dad, I think I can handle life by myself now." God, I'm a lunatic.
That's all, folks!
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