Hi all! Thanks for checking in on me. I hope you're having a steady day today and that your food is in control and not driving you to the frig for more!
As for me, I wasn't right on target yesterday (actually it was only last night) but was much better than I have been over the past year. I was right on track with my food plan until Danny (my finance) came home and then I immediately went into "food mode", as I call it. As soon as he called to say he was heading home, my hunger came on and I took out the cheese and crackers. I had a few (3 I think) reduced fat Triscuits and 2 slices (small) of VT cheddar cheese (we're famous for our cheddar up here). I then had a good sized helping of my macaroni, hamburg, onion, and tomato soup casserole. That wouldn't have been too bad since I use ground turkey instead of "real" hamburger and I also use the high fiber pasta (Ronzoni Smart Taste spiral pasta) but after my helping I went into the kitchen todo the dishes and started taking forkfuls of the left-overs right out the pan. How embarrassing it is to admit that. Ugh!!! I then had three or four Twizlers after that and even though they're non-fat the sugar in them is exactly what I dont need. So why oh why did I reach for them in the first place?!?!? Fortunately, I stopped there and that's why I can say it's better than before. Normally, that would have led me into a big nighttime binge of crap and I didn't do that last night. I caught myself, had a little self-talk session, and went back to be and slept until this morning. I think joining this blog helped with that so I thank all of you . "Accountability"...that's just I'm in need of and it worked last night.
Reflecting back on the plate scrapping...It's no wonder we joke around and call me "The Scraper". I not only clean my own plate by I clean Danny's as well! Thank God I haven't resorted to the dog's bowl yet!!! Oh, how my mother would be proud. That damn "Clean Plate Club" mentality from childhood is still talking to me big time and engraining that into a child's mind should be considered child abuse, in my humble opinion. As a child, my mother forced me to eat what I didn't finish and if I didn't I'd be served it again the next day. Same goes for my siblings. So, by the time we were teenagers, it's no wonder we all pudged out and were consequently put on diets (by the very same mother who forced us to eat!). Consequently, it's this constant mixed message of ("EAT, EAT, EAT" only to be followed by "You're too fat, you're undesirable as you are now, etc., etc., etc.") that my psyche could never process as a child and still haven't as a full grown woman. Hence, I carry all this crap around in my head 24-7. If I'm not thinking about dieting, I'm thinking about cooking and food. If I'm not thinking about either one of those, I'm thinking about all the calories and fat that I've eatten and tell myself I'm a big, fat pig and a pathetic loser. Oddly, I regret the excess food even while I'm in the midst of a binge but that doesn't stop me from doing down that slippery slide of a slope. Sadly, I just can't seem to tame the hungry monster that resides inside of me for the long-term and it's about time to figure out why. Because I know this really isn't even about food, I know it's requiring therapy. Perhaps I can get to the bottom of this once and for all with my new therapist. Unfortunately, I have never created any permanent change(s) in my habits or mind-set before but I've never worked with an eating disorders specialist either so who knows? Maybe I can gain some insight and see some long-term changes take root as we peel back all the onion layers of my life. I'm willing to give anything a try at this point in time so I'm excited to work with her and start down the road for potential recovery. (For the record, I must tell you, I am bi-polar and deal with bouts of severe depression. Thus, psychiatric medications and counseling are not a choice for me. Please know I am NOT suggesting that the answer for anyone else is therapy. That's just about me being honest and open on this blog. Otherwise, why be here and why B.S. about the "real" me?)
I'm so happy to have found this website. The whole reason I'm here is to get down to the nitty gritty by being brutally honest with myself and others and hopefully connecting with others who can relate to the same issues I deal with on a daily basis. Feeling like I'm the only one in the world who behaves and thinks and acts the way I do with food and exercise is a very shameful place and from what I've read in here from others, I'm certainly not alone! How relieving! I look forward to getting to know a lot of other "Soul Sisters" as I proceed along...
As for my health, I'm doing really well psych wise but I'm healing from a broken knee cap that is limiting my exercise AND living in a great deal of nerve pain from three herniated discs in my neck. Thankfully, I have great physical therapists and I am making progress but I can't make excuses and sit around any longer. I have to grab the bull by the horns and give up the candy, cake, cookies, and heavy dinners NOW!!! All of these have gotten wayyyyyy out of control again (there's no doubt I am a sugar addict ) and I have to nip this in the bud while I can. If I don't, I'll gain back even more of the weight that I lost and I don't want the food demons pulling me all the way back this time. (I lost 90 lbs. from 2005-2006 but have put 16 lbs. back on over the past year).
So that's about it for me right now. I'll keep being honest as I continue on this journey with all of you and I hope to find some great, supportive women along the way! I hope you're all having a great day and remember..."One bite is always too much because one bite is NEVER enough." Ain't it the truth?!?!?